Life & Limb - A monthly podcast about Living Well with Limb Loss

[00:00:04] Jeff Tiessen: Welcome to Life and Limb, a podcast from Thrive magazine all about living well with limb loss and limb difference. I'm Jeff Tiessen, publisher of Thrive magazine and your podcast host, and I am really excited to introduce you to our guest today, Edmonton, Alberta's own Alexis Hillyard.

Alexis was a thrive magazine cover story years ago and what a fun conversation we had back then. She's a motivator, she's an influencer, an educator by profession, and a YouTube content creator. Alexis is incredibly passionate about being authentic, which she is in her own stories as a disabled and queer creator. She's a rock climber, a guitar player, a mom, a chef, and she can be unapologetically silly, which is great, and you will see that shortly. Born without her left hand, Alexis knows all about limb difference and has navigated that on her own terms since she was a child. Most who know her know her from Stump Kitchen, her YouTube show that celebrates the unique ways that we all move through the world. And she'll tell you a lot more about that. So, Alexis, how are you?

[00:01:21] Alexis Hillyard: I'm so good. So happy to be here. Jeff, this is awesome.

[00:01:25] Jeff Tiessen: Thank you. A new mom. Let's start with that - second time. This is your and your partner Allison's second, correct?

[00:01:32] Alexis Hillyard: Right? Yes. So we had our first baby three and a half years ago. I got to give birth to that one, and this time it was Allison's turn. So, yeah, our little one was born February eighth. So we're just in the throes of newborn life, and it's beautiful. It's so different and so great and, yeah, I'm loving it.

[00:01:54] Jeff Tiessen: How old?

[00:01:54] Alexis Hillyard: First Joven is three and a half.

[00:01:57] Jeff Tiessen: Three and a half. And your newborn?

[00:02:00] Alexis Hillyard: Fen. Fen. Yeah.

[00:02:03] Jeff Tiessen: Very nice. Anything different? I know you're just sort of getting out of the starting gates with Fen. Anything different from round one.

[00:02:13] Alexis Hillyard: A lot is familiar, so I feel like I'm not learning everything over again. I think with Joven I was just nervous and cautious and wondering about how to do stuff and it all just came so naturally after a few weeks, and now with Fenn, it's just like, piece of cake. It's easy to be with a newborn because you kind of know what's going on. But then the added dynamic of having Joven at first being a bit indifferent to Fen, but now having some tender moments, I wasn't sure what that toddler sibling relationship would be like. So it's been okay. It's very interesting to watch, to be like, okay… all right, here we go. But it's good. We're getting a bit more sleep the first time than the first time around, so that's good.

[00:03:02] Jeff Tiessen: That's a big difference. That's great.

[00:03:04] Alexis Hillyard: Yeah.

[00:03:06] Jeff Tiessen: I know you share a lot of tips and tricks and hacks about living without a hand, your left hand, as I mentioned. And I think I was reading that you get a lot of, especially now as a mom, you're getting a lot of questions from parents with kids with limb loss or limb difference. Did you expect that, or where does that come from?

[00:03:33] Alexis Hillyard: I didn't really expect that, but I think once, because I am sort of in the public sphere a little bit, and then when I put my life out there, people want to see people like you. You want to see yourself represented. And when you do, you're like, I want to connect with that person and see how they do stuff. That's how I was in my journey, kind of like growing up. And so I talk about my home life and being a parent.

Yeah, of course, lots of questions from families with kids with limb differences. For sure, that was happening already. But I mean, more recently, parents who have limb differences or parents who are missing a hand or have a limb difference or whatever, who were pregnant, reaching out, being like, I don't know if I'm going to be okay.

I had one person talk to me, and Joven was already a year and a half, and I was like, oh, I hear you. Like, that makes so much sense. And let me tell you all the ways that it will be okay, because I was there, maybe not as drastically, but I didn't expect it at all. Other parents with limb difference are reaching out.

It added this beautiful dimension to, I guess, the outreach work that I'm able to do through Stump Kitchen, which is a lot of fun and silliness and cooking, but it's also a lot of advocacy behind the scenes, connecting with kids and families who are kind of figuring their way out, and they want to talk to someone who's been through it. So being able to talk to parents on that level, especially when I had just been in that vulnerable place myself, of like, okay, am I going to be a good enough mom?

Well, in all the ways, but particularly physically, am I going to be able to take full care of my children and meet all their needs? Because you don't know. Because there's not much out there telling you that it will be okay. There's not a lot of great role modeling, I guess. So to be able to be that for other people has been such a gift and such a dream come true.

And plus, I have friends through my online connections, through the Lucky Finn program, my adult friends who have kids. We've been a great resource for each other. We troubleshoot a lot, too.

So, yeah, I didn't really expect it, but it's been so rewarding and really beautiful.

[00:06:04] Jeff Tiessen: I can relate somewhat. I'm a double arm amputee, and my hands are aluminum and hold room temperature, so one of my biggest fears was changing diapers, and it got to be easier for me because the poor kids, if they squirmed, they were running into a 70 degree (Fahrenheit) hand on one side, 70 degree hand on the other. So that came quite easy. But probably my biggest fear was holding their hand, crossing the street, that kind of thing, with being, again, a double arm amputee. And I found so quickly they grabbed mine; they were hanging on to me, and fear alleviated. But, yeah, there's just no manual out there for us, necessarily.

[00:06:49] Alexis Hillyard: There's not. But isn't it beautiful how our kids from birth just adapt to our bodies? It's like we have all these fears, but they just know us for our bodies. They get it when I would pick up Joven as an infant, and even now, they have ways of securing their left shoulder, or I guess their right shoulder, in a different way when I scoop them up than on my right side. And very different from how Allison picks them up and how when I spin them around, they hold onto my stump differently than they hold on to my hand. And it's just second nature. And so that's just so interesting how our kids, they will get their own needs met in their own ways with the bodies that we have. We can trust them more to do that. Like you said, walking across the street, that's so beautiful.

[00:07:42] Jeff Tiessen: So true what you said. We're normal to them.

[00:07:46] Alexis Hillyard: We are everything.

[00:07:48] Jeff Tiessen: We're perfect to them so far.

[00:07:53] Alexis Hillyard: Yeah, it's true.

[00:07:55] Jeff Tiessen: Before I get into Stump Kitchen, and I love how you modestly said you have a bit of a profile in the public sector. Yeah, 100 million views plus. That's a bit of a profile, Alexis. But your past and how you navigated your life as a kid with limb difference, if we call it that, and I remember you told me a story about kindergarten, if I remember, right, where your parents encouraged you, as parents do, to wear a limb, and you took matters into your own hands, so to speak, when you got to kindergarten.

[00:08:31] Alexis Hillyard: I did. I took it off and I left it on the windowsill, and it just got in the way. And eventually my teacher kind of told my parents, like, you know, she's not really wearing her arm. And then my parents were like, okay, we're not going to force it. We're not going to worry about it.

And so that was really nice to have the option.

But I think for me, my biggest thing growing up and the biggest helpful resiliency point that I had was before kindergarten when my mom and my sister and myself would play school, we would practice school, and part of that was me navigating how to answer questions about my limb. And so my sister or my mom would ask me questions, easy ones, hard ones, whatever. And I would get to practice talking about my body. And if I didn't know what to say, they would help me to kind of troubleshoot what to say. And so I got to go into school already prepared to talk about my limb difference, and it just instilled this confidence that really, really helped. And I already had beautiful ways of adding humor into my world with my limb difference by drawing little faces on my stump. My sister named him Bebe when she was like, two and a half, and so I would put on little plays for her. So all of that really set me up for this beautiful relationship with my body that helped me through if I had any rough times, which, honestly, I didn't have a lot like I had them, but I definitely avoided some of the major bullying that a lot of my peers have had. I had a couple, but they were few and far between, thankfully.

And I had lots of prosthetics for different things. For playing violin, I had a guitar pick prosthetic, but my first guitar pick prosthetic was just duct tape and a guitar pick, and it worked great. I feel like, honestly, as people with a limb difference, we're the best at figuring out our own adaptations, like if we have the right tools.

So, yeah, I definitely use prosthetics off and on, but mostly I like to kind of go natural, if you will.

[00:10:53] Jeff Tiessen: Do you still have one?

Do you wear one for special occasions?

[00:11:00] Alexis Hillyard: I have a couple.

I've got a yoga arm that I use for yoga that I love. I do have a violin arm attachment. I haven't been playing at all lately. I was taking lessons but didn't really continue, but I have that, and then I have a bionic arm, a true limb. And, yeah, I named him Billy, and he and I get up to mischief, but we don't hang out often. It's fun for videos and stuff, but, yeah, not day to day, I'd say he's trouble.

[00:11:32] Jeff Tiessen: Is he?

[00:11:33] Alexis Hillyard: Well, honestly, my favorite prosthetic growing up was a hook. A body powered hook. And is yours body powered?

[00:11:40] Jeff Tiessen: Yeah. Both sides.

[00:11:42] Alexis Hillyard: That's my favourite. I feel like they worked the best for me.

So, honestly, if there was ever things in my life that I felt like I need a prosthetic for x, y, or z, I would probably go back to a hook, like a body powered hook. I feel like it's the most natural feeling to me.

But the bionic ones are just a bit much. Personally, they're pretty cool.

They are really cool.

[00:12:09] Jeff Tiessen: Yeah. I've stayed with the body power for 47 years now. Of course, there was the stigma when I was young, but, wow, once I got past that, they do what they're told. They are pretty functional.

[00:12:24] Alexis Hillyard: They are. They're pretty reliable.

[00:12:29] Jeff Tiessen: So now you're sharing some of those lessons learned with your sister and your mom with youth.

Kids that are amputees or have limb difference through Stump Kitchen and maybe otherwise. I know you do public speaking and webinars, and Stump Kitchen is just so fun to watch, and it's so playful and using your arm as the garlic masher and the lemon squeezer and the human spatula, and it gets messy. And I know you like that, too, both in language, not with the kids, but with the ingredients. But obviously, there's a purpose and a design behind the show. So tell me more about that.

[00:13:15] Alexis Hillyard: When Stump Kitchen began in, I think it was 2017, is when I started posting regularly. And I had posted a bit before that, but it was really by accident. There was really no plan. But after I put out the first few episodes, I originally did it because it was like a challenge to myself. I was doing a work challenge for how to learn new things, and I challenged myself to edit a video, create a YouTube channel. That was my challenge. But at the same time, I was learning how to cook because I realized that I had a gluten intolerance, and I had also made the choice to become vegan. So those things combined was, like, a lot of changes in the kitchen, and I wasn't really into cooking. So all that to say, when I started cooking, I was nervous. But then I got into it, and then I realized that I was using my stump in these wonderful ways. And my partner, Allison, was like, the way you cook is so cool. You got to film that and put it out in the world. And I was like, okay. And I did it. And as I was editing.

I loved the joy I was capturing for myself. It was really cool to see how happy I was in those moments. And so it was like these little serotonin boosts to watch myself. So I highly recommend it. If you're ever in a weird mood, film yourself doing something you love and watch it when you're sad and it will change your life. I'm not kidding, because when you're sad, you don't remember being happy, I find. So if you can capture it anyway, that's just like a life tip. So once I put it out there, I realized that people were gravitating towards it because I was imperfect, I was allowing myself to make mistakes. I was having fun being kind of carefree. Didn't really care too much about my appearance, necessarily.

I would cook in my pajamas and messy hair or mascara from the night before. But then, of course, the representation part, I didn't realize it would be as powerful as it was. And so the parents would start to reach out and be like, hey, my kid is like you. We want to cook like you. We're trying this technique like, do you want to meet my kid? And I was like, holy crap, this is taking on a life of its own. So I realized that I wasn't just doing it for fun for myself and capturing that joy. I was doing it for a larger purpose, and it's just snowballed from there. So I kind of just followed that energy, and that's gone all the way to cooking with kids, working with kids, working with CBC to do different projects with them, workshops with kids all over North America a little bit. And now to cosplaying characters on my stump, because that's what people are and kids have been really into lately. So I just follow what people are really gravitating towards, and that makes me joyful, too.

And I did some parenting content, too. When I first had Joven, I did a series about talking to people with limb differences who are parents and that just kind of following what is important and what people are needing. And it's made it really, what's the word? Fulfilling.

[00:16:33] Jeff Tiessen: And there's potential that it's going to be a CBC show, right? Or you're working on that?

[00:16:41] Alexis Hillyard: Yeah. We've just started.

One of my good friends, Krista, who is an amputee and musician and creator in Toronto, she was like, you got to make a tv show. And I was like, oh, that's okay. So she's mentoring me. I'm writing up a pitch to shop around to different producers and networks and stuff. So it's very beginning stages, but, yeah, the goal is to get it on a network. Could be CBC, could be elsewhere, and it'll just take essentially what I'm already doing. The cosplays, the cooking, the talking with kids, putting it all into, like, a 20 minute show. And so, yeah, fingers and stumps crossed.

[00:17:29] Jeff Tiessen: You can see the joy in the kids that you work with, too, and the comfort level. So there's this… Prepping food is one thing, but do you spend some time with them beforehand to establish that comfort level or what they need out of the show?

[00:17:51] Alexis Hillyard: I really do because every kid is so different.

We either meet beforehand, or maybe I meet them that day and we just have a conversation. Maybe we play a little bit, maybe I give them a tour of the kitchen. Their parents are always around, too, and we just talk about boundaries, too. Like, is there anything that you definitely don't want to do?

Or for my adult guests, I'll say, is there anywhere on your body that you don't want to be touched or you don't want to get dirty? Because some people love a mess, and some people really don't like mess for lots of different reasons, like sensory issues, et cetera. So I just kind of sense where the people are at and then try to give them what they need. Like, if they're quite shy, we'll just take time. And they always know that if we start filming and we're cooking and they want to stop, they need a break or they don't want to do it anymore, we just stop. That's never happened, but it would be okay if it did.

And so I just really try to tune into what their needs are, but I do it in a very playful way, and sometimes it just happens naturally. And then I'm like, you know what? I'm going to turn the camera on now. Is that okay? And they're… yeah. And I'll just start recording because we're capturing that joy right in the moment.

But I use my education background, I think, to really deepen those relationships with kids to make them feel safe and seen so that they can have the best possible time.

Because if it's not fun, why do it?

[00:19:30] Jeff Tiessen: Sticking with the theme of kids, I love something that I read that you had said, something along the lines that kids bring you back to your inner child, and it allows you to be goofy and fun, and that adults sometimes forget about having fun and maybe even reconnecting with being a kid.

What kind of advice would you have for adults? And you gave some good advice about videotaping yourself, recording yourself when you're having a good time. But what's the message for adults?

[00:20:12] Alexis Hillyard: I'm not sure. I think somehow I've been able to cultivate the notion of play in my life. I never let myself lose that. Maybe it was a matter of necessity, or maybe it was just part of my personality. And maybe that's not everyone's jam, but I'm pretty good at accessing the silliness factor and the playfulness on a daily basis. And so that's great for kids, it's great for adults. It's great for dogs and cats. It's great for whoever. And so maybe it's about giving ourselves permission to be funny and silly and giving ourselves permission to drop things in the kitchen or not make a perfect recipe.

I'm not really sure. I think that in our adult lives, we can get kind of taken over by everyday stresses. But the beauty of life is in those slow, weird, playful moments that aren't like, serving capitalism. They're just like, oh, spilled something. Let's have a talk. Or, like, let's go for a walk and pick some flowers. And just remembering what really the core of life is, it's that kind of that joy, I think.

And, yeah, taping yourself, doing something that you love. Try it. It is so great. What's something you love, Jeff? What's something that you love?

[00:21:31] Jeff Tiessen: So biking.

That's something. But I think probably what I would do for taping, recording myself is my love for annoying my adult kids with silly dad jokes. The classic dumb dad humour, the looks on their faces is what brings me joy. So that might be what I take up.

[00:21:58] Alexis Hillyard: That would be so great. And biking, too, because they would show different parts of who you are, like your strength and sportsmanship or whatever, and then your family fun humour side. I think that's really cool. And for me, it's like, yeah, the cooking and the connecting with people and having that fun, but then the cosplay side of things, it's really gotten me to open up a whole new part of myself, which I didn't really know was there, which is like, this artistry and this creativity.

And people ask, oh, are you an artist? Or, did you paint before? Do this before? Absolutely not. And if you saw me try to draw or paint on paper, you'd be like, what? But for some reason, on my skin, it's so much fun. Like, this 3d canvas works really well. And I love sculpting clay, and I love visualizing what things might look like and troubleshooting that.

It's, like, unlocked this new part of my own self and personality. That's really cool.

[00:23:02] Jeff Tiessen: Yeah, I'll bet.

Channeling dumb dad humour, it would be limitless.

[00:23:12] Alexis Hillyard: Perfect. Now you have that on camera.

[00:23:15] Jeff Tiessen: Thanks.

Maybe something more serious. You have gotten to know many moms and dads, kids with limb difference, limb loss, kids that have had amputations and maybe leaning more into that, those who have lost limbs to traumatic injury or health reasons.

I bet they're kind of seeking comfort in you. Advice.

What are they most afraid of? What kind of questions are you answering most often or trying to comfort?

[00:23:56] Alexis Hillyard: The most recent example I can think of is there's a person in Scotland who messaged me maybe about a year and a half ago. She's a young adult, and she just had her hand amputated due to a very bad accident, a burn, and she just wanted to talk and just be like, how are you? It's so great to see your joy. It's so great to see someone living with limb difference. In my case, it's from birth. It's not a limb loss. And so I don't have personal experience with that, and I can only imagine what folks are going through. But she just really wanted to talk to me and just be like, you know what… maybe after everything heals, maybe I'll name my stump, too, and maybe one day I'll paint my stump and maybe they'll have a personality. And I was like, absolutely.

And so I think it was a beautiful coping mechanism for her to kind of take her through this traumatic event in a very soft way. And she did end up naming her arm. And I don't know if she's done any art yet. I haven't chatted with her for a few months, but it was just so neat. I wasn't fixing anything for her. I was just listening and talking and talking about life and just kind of relating on that level. So that was really beautiful and important. Sometimes I feel like I'm not equipped to support people through limb loss because it's not my experience, but if they are reaching out, I'm honoured to be a part of that.

I'm trying to think if I've had many kids in that boat, maybe a few in the past, but honestly, it's a lot of adults more recently. Yeah.

[00:25:50] Jeff Tiessen: Peer support based on your experience, I guess.

[00:25:55] Alexis Hillyard: It's an honour.

It's things that you never think your life will take you to.

It's very important and lovely.



[00:26:36] Jeff Tiessen: I generally wrap up podcasts with this question, which is so appropriate for you in terms of the language used. I ask folks, what are your key ingredients for having a good day? What are some of the key aspects, key ingredients for you to have a good day?

[00:26:58] Alexis Hillyard: Coffee.

And I love being outside, doing a little walk outside. I love having family time. I love cooking something.

But if I don't have energy to cook something, then maybe microwaving something. But that creative process of having a game or creating a meal or doing something joyful together with somebody else is so lovely. I really feed off of other people.

So something creative, whether it's art or cosplays or cooking, the family aspect is really lovely. Like being with my kids, being just together as a family and then being outside.

We live in a beautiful area just by a creek, a ravine, Creek Valley. So I like to go down there and hang out.

Yeah. So really simple things. Oh, singing is a beautiful. I'm in a choir, so I love to sing as well. Anything musical really is lovely. So, lots of creative stuff, I think really gets me to a really good day.

[00:28:04] Jeff Tiessen: Yeah. That's the great answer. I was going to ask you one more thing too. In your email handle, I get the lefty part. But… Ukulele. You must play the ukulele.

[00:28:13] Alexis Hillyard: I do, yeah. And I teach a choir on the weekends. Teach a ukulele choir. And I love playing ukulele. Yeah. It's so great.

[00:28:22] Jeff Tiessen: You're a busy woman.

[00:28:24] Alexis Hillyard: Yeah.

Not as much right now. I'm kind of putting things on hold, but it's nice to have a lot going on, I think, to kind of draw from in your life. And it's really good to learn how to say no. I think that's another thing that's good advice for adults and for myself, for keeping me happy is being okay with saying, no, thanks. I'm going to not say yes to that commitment or to that job or to that presentation because I need to do this for myself, and I didn't learn until recently. I'm 42, so it's still new for me, but it's so important to just say no.

And it's good.

[00:29:03] Jeff Tiessen: Yeah, you're right. I have trouble with it too. But I'm finding it's great for self preservation sometimes and just some time for myself and family, like you said, too.

Nicely said. Thank you so much for your time and sharing great messages for people. From mindfulness to being goofy and recording ourselves doing fun things, this has really been a treat. So, people who want to reach out to you, how would they do that?

[00:29:32] Alexis Hillyard: Yeah, so I've got a website, stumpkitchen.com. All my contact info is on there, but of course they can reach out directly on Instagram. My handle is just at stump underscore kitchen. Or find me on TikTok. I'm on Facebook. I'm on YouTube. You just put Stump Kitchen in and you find me there. And I get emails from all over the world. So, I love hearing from people. It's great.

[00:29:55] Jeff Tiessen: Yeah, I'll bet you do. It's a fantastic content. You can say Stump Kitchen, and I'm sure everything that you create has got that joy and fun in it.

[00:30:06] Alexis Hillyard: Let me know if you have any character requests for cosplays because I'm always taking requests. So if you have any favorite characters you want to see, you let me know, okay?

[00:30:13] Jeff Tiessen: All right.

I’ll certainly do that. Listen, thank you again. And with that, I will sign off. This has been Life and Limb. Really appreciate Alexis joining us and thanks for everybody for listening in. You can read about others, Alexis being one and her story in Thrive magazine, and others with limb loss and limb difference at thrivemag,ca. Until next time, live well.